Regarding advice dispensed to freshmen by Michatalie

One encountered a column with advice for the newly inducted women to
George Mason in last week’s issue of Broadside. It advocated partying and gave advice regarding the
same. It was akin to the ten commandments: a list of dos and don’ts.
However it was filled with advice that makes a five thousand+ year old
religion look good.

The advice was dispensed by those who portray
themselves as people who like to party and have fun. The following is
a mere echo of the light that was this article. And if their advice
given is a light then perhaps an intense light can burn?

Partying or even living life ought not to end up
destroying you or your loved ones or the society you dwell in. Instead
people who love ought to ensure that they have the resources and the
wealth to recuperate after making love. This is because the act of
love making and/or partying is a selfless act involving giving up
your bodily fluids and energy (at the minimum).

One will now attempt to provide alternatives to the advice they have
dispensed in this column by first quoting their advice and then
attempting to forward a possible alternative.

They advised: “Be sure to dance and flirt with the older fraternity
boys so you will surely land a spot in their beer stained beds.”
Perhaps to make love is important however one ought to attempt it upon
clean sheets not beer stained ones; one ought not to yearn for boys
whose beer drinking ways may prognosticate a pot belly but one ought to yearn for verile athletes and scholars (combined in one).

sheets and unkempt lovers are the sorry lot of the poor and
unfortunate and unless one is “slumming” (inadvisable) one ought to
avoid it. One recalls how one’s alma mater had a night where men
donned tuxedos and flowers and approached girls for a night out
serenading them. That is how it ought to be everywhere.

They further advocated: “For the less daring, you can pull a M and cut
off a song everyone is grinding to – way to be a coc_block, but you
are cool in our book.”

When Adam was lonesome God (allegedly) gave him Eve.

It is divine to
bring two people together and to let love flourish is one of the
reasons why we attend school: so there is greater joy, less
suffering, more love and less loneliness.

They said: “Make sure to bring toilet paper to frat parties or else
you will end up with piss stains or skid marked panties.”

Maybe one ought to avoid events which do not provide toilet paper. If
the ladies of the world boycotted events that do not provide proper
toiletries maybe the organizers of the event will make an attempt to
keep the bathroom well stocked and clean for the arrival and
convenience of women. Women are a resource.

They said: “Commuters will end up being your best friends for the sole
purpose of driving you around.”
Perhaps it is unkind to use people and will certainly backfire as such
cruel folk are likely to be ostracized: such manner of “using”
someone is not friendship because friendship is selfless and it is
about giving and does not have ulterior motives.

It is instead
desirable to attempt to be amongst those who own vehicles of their own
and give rides to others. To have the goal of becoming so self-sufficient and independent is a thought one ought to keep in mind as
opposed to thoughts which revolve around taking advantage of those who
are slightly richer in resources.

They proposed: “Ladies find a new outfit for every party; God forbid
anyone sees you wearing the same thing twice.”
Perhaps one doesn’t want to become impoverished to attract love and
attention. The best kind of an outfit is perhaps one which is
minimalist (ask any guy when you are in bed with him if he would
rather have you make love to him through your designers).

Perhaps one
ought to save one’s money and spend it (if necessary) not on clothing
but on taking care of one’s health. Eat right and exercise right and
sleep on time and remain forever beautiful and youthful and even
Wal-Mart clothing will look good.

They said: “Have you noticed the $5 veggie cups at the convenience
store? If you see anyone holding those stupid cups, please slap it
out of their hands.”
One must always be nice and polite to people, particularly strangers,
and particularly those who purchase and eat vegetables and engage in
healthy behavior.

They continue: “Don’t be caught dead on the SUB I lawn unless you want to duel with
the medieval knights who sword fight between classes. If we catch
sign of you doing this we will go Gollum on your ass!”
Perhaps one wants to take an active interest in learning about history,
not necessarily in role playing. History will allow one to make wiser
choices and be a better human being.

They said: “Don’t actually open the doors to any building. Use the handicap
button at all times even when you don’t go into the building. Also you
should abuse the Johnson Center elevator at all times even when you
are going up just one level.”

To abuse the handicap features on a building drives up the costs of
accommodating the handicap. It is said that in warfare the fighting
forces do not kill each other but attempt to maim each other because
it is much more costlier to maintain, heal, rehabilitate a handicapped
citizen than it is to have a dead citizen. If one drives up the cost
of maintaining the handicapped in our society one is harming the
country one dwells in. One will end up poorer and so will one’s

However if there is a facility (like an elevator) available
please use it without guilt. Using the elevator to go up one level is
not “abuse”.
It is saving energy for studying and for “fun” and if we could we
would have our people teleport everywhere. The point of life is not
climbing stairs but to climb higher in love, morality and learning.
Labor and strife and pain are the lot of the unfortunate.

They said: “Never study until the day before the test. Let’s face it we all do
it. What the professor doesn’t know won’t kill ’em.”
Studying right before the test increases stress. Stress leads to hair
loss, acne (bad skin) and weight gain. If one is fat, bald and has bad
skin (i.e. ugly) one will not be very popular at parties. Studying and
preparing also makes one smart, and people love to hang out with people
who know when to open their mouths and when to volunteer a critical
piece of information which may help everyone.

They said: “Never buy books or even rent them if you have friends in class. Michatalie
calls this the art of mooching.”

One ought to buy inexpensive (international edition) books and lobby
for inexpensive books. Read them cover to cover, solve all the
problems. Well read textbooks will give
one greater happiness than a photo album because a good book is truly
a good friend. True friends always give and only
opportunists and selfish people “mooch” off of others.

To remain fun
loving and social one ought to therefore always try to be a positive
influence not only upon one’s own self but for others as well (since
that is the point of socializing and partying perhaps: it is one great
act of loving your fellow human being).

Athar Shiraz Siddiqui
graduate student
Computer Science