Love us or hate us, we’re still an obsession.
Warning: If you don’t like or have never tried Chipotle, then STFU (shut the fuck up) and GTFO (get the fuck out), bishes.
It’s evident that Chipotle, aka “Chip,” is practically a second home to Mason students. But what does it mean to truly reach the ultimate ChipOrgasm?
Michatalie is your guide to pleasing your taste buds and getting more bang for your fuck – we mean buck.
We will start off in order of importance. You must follow this step by step or else you’ll miss out on the heavenly sex-in-your-mouth taste of the burrito bol. Notice how we didn’t say burrito, that’s because burrito bols pwn burritos. If you’re a burrito lover, you’re totes missing out.
To start off your journey, always ask for a lid in order to shake the bol til all the sexgredients are nicely tousled.
Sweet-talking plays a major role in building up to your ChipOrgasm.
There’s a difference between, “Can I get a little bit more ___,” and “Can you add more ____.” Saying, “add” or “extra” leads to less cash in your wallet. When you ask for a little bit of something, it sounds subtler. Ladies, this is where your flirting will come in handy.
Fellas, you’re on your own for this one … unless you’re fat they feel sorry for you and give you more. Lucky bishes.
Everyone could use a little sprucing in their Chip life. Take a couple lemons and squirt them into your tortilla chips bag until your fingers get so slippery they can’t take it anymore. Michatalie is going to assume that you bought the additional bag of chips because you’re clearly a n00bsauce if you don’t.
After you have executed these previous steps, you are ready for the final clear out. The bol is now empty, yet there is so much leftover jizzle juice aka sour cream(pie).
Michatalie is wetting our panties as we speak. But anyway, back to the point. You must lick the bol until it looks cleaner than a 50 percent clearance rack at Nordstrom.
In order to gain a sexual eruption (in more ways than one), your Chipotlaway diarrhea has to be within a 30-minute time frame; starting from the second you finish licking your bol. It’s as simple as this – if you don’t shit, you don’t ChipOrgasm. Do you want your Chip boner to be left hanging?
We understand how tedious these guidelines are, but the feeling you get after a ChipOrgasm is better than sex itself. I’m sure anyone that’s followed these steps before would agree.
To all the haters: Who’s that walking down the street, it’s Michelle and Natalie. Heads all turn around to say, Michatalie’s coming out to play.