Hi, my name is Paul, and I’ll be auditioning for the role of “point guard.”

Did you want a contemporary monologue, or something a bit more classic? Or wait did you have some slides for me to read from? Is anyone else auditioning?

I will take the silence and blank stares as a “please perform a prepared monologue. ”

Oh, I almost forgot! Here are my headshots.

I’m sorry I’m all out of sorts, this is my first audition in the Big Apple!

Let me just say that it was pretty challenging to find this place! All I could find online was “Madison Square Garden.” Also, once I got inside, which was NOT easy, I tried asking a guard for directions to the audition, and he tried to arrest me!

Thank God I had my pepper spray, or I might have been late. I always carry pepper spray on me, just in case someone tries any funny business. Mama told me, “look out for the creeps in the big city,” and now I know why. Even security guards can be out to get you in this city!

I don’t even know if it’s real pepper like Pa grows back at home. I think it’s just chemicals-

Oh look at me, I’m babbling again! Hahaha silly me. I’m sorry; let’s start over. I’m a LITTLE nervous, which is why I’m rambling. And sweating so much.

I’ve never seen this show “The New York Knicks,” but I HAVE been in quite a few Neil Simon plays; so, I sort of get the whole “New Yorker” thing. Isn’t Neil Simon the best? He’s the best.

Alright, well this monologue is from “The Odd Couple,” and it’s-

OK sir, I know it’s probably overdone, but the least you could do is let me perfor-

NO, I will not leave. I won’t take no for an answer. I am an actor, and I refuse to give up on my dreams! This is New York City! The city of dr-

Unhand me sir! Unhand me! I have pepper spray! I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!

I’m sorry I had to do that sir. Don’t rub your eyes, it only makes it worse.

Do you think we could start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.