Dear Michatalie,
I’m a freshman and I ended up getting a random roommate. In the beginning, everything seemed fine. He was chill, kept to himself and we grabbed lunch every once in a while.
But I’ve been having issues with him since I started rushing my frat. He’s super awkward and always wants to hang out, even though all I want to do is chill with my boys. How do I get rid of him?
Sincerely,
Taking Applications
Dear Taking Applications,
You’re rushing a frat? No comment. Anyway, your roommate seems like a real loser. He might even have a man-crush on you. How come you didn’t bring him out to rush with you?
It could take the attention off of you and put it on another lucky guy. But since you asked for our help, we are overly excited to help get him packing. Here are a few things you can do that will surely get him out of your way. Make sure your dorm room is so messy that he won’t want to be there and eventually, he won’t ever want to come back. First, visibly leave used condoms all throughout your room. Leave some sexy panties from your one-night stand hanging on the message board at your desk.
Another tip: The one-night stand needs to happen while your roommate is present. Your roommate doesn’t seem like the type who is exposed to such naughty things, so it could potentially scare him off.
Make like a caveman and be as repulsive as you can. Most people have no idea they can use their bodily functions as weapons. Your three weapons of mass destruction are body odor, burping and farting.
B.O. is a fun weapon to use because you can watch your roommate squirm.
Burping could piss your roommate off, as well as distract him. If burping is difficult for you, eating Chipotle and drinking plenty of soda will create a volcanic eruption that even you will be surprised came out of your mouth. Lastly, you’re a guy – do we honestly have to give you tips on farting? Come on, now.
As a final piece of advice, bring your friends over and cause a ruckus. The last thing someone wants is to feel uncomfortable in their own living space. Make your room the pre-gaming spot and after, always bring the party back to your place. An added bonus would be to schmooze with the RA and get on his or her good side. This will benefit you in the long run.
If you complete these tasks, Michatalie will guarantee that your roommate will hate you and be so desperate to leave that he’ll move out through the window. (Warning: This pertains to first-floor residents only. Don’t be a dumbass and get yourself hurt. Michatalie doesn’t want to be liable for any avoidable injuries.)
XOXO,
Michatalie
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