Conveying my knowledge (or lack thereof) of baseball will be a test

Baseball. I do not get it at all. And I am supposed to write about it for the rest of the semester. That is a scary thought.

So to just go ahead and cut myself a break I am writing this feature on how little I know about baseball. So when you baseball fans read it later and I sound like an idiot I can say “Hey, I warned you.”

What do I think of baseball? Well, like I said, I do not know it. I do not know the rules and regulations; I do not know how they do anything in the sport.

I know that you hit a ball, hope for it to go over the fence and run like hell to each base. I feel like that is really all I should need to know.

Is the rest really that important, anyways?

When I think of baseball I think of so many stereotypes and, yes, you can totally thank that movie “Angels in the Outfield.”

After watching that movie, which used to be one of my favorite movies of all time, and then, well I grew up and realized it is definitely a movie for kids, however, do baseball players really chew on paper?

Please tell me it is tobacco and they are all at least chewing it for an addiction. And why is it that all baseball players chew that shit?

Do they have an aching for mouth cancer?

Not to mention “Angels in the Outfield” has made it impossible for me to go through life without going to a baseball game and having a hot dog.

I must do this.

Baseball is the only sport that I have ever heard of that the home team gets to bat last, no matter what.

What the hell is that?

So if the away team is winning, in baseball the home team gets a free chance to beat the other team? That doesn’t seem fair at all. What if the home team is already beating the away team?

Do they just get the shit spanked out of them?

So I hear all the time about pitchers “throwing out” their arms. This has got to hurt. Isn’t “throwing out” your arm basically dislocating it at a high speed, trying to get the ball to the home plate?

If that is the case, why don’t they just make the mound (oh yeah, I looked that up. “Baseball for Dummies.” It’s helped me a bit.) closer to home plate? Then people would not have to throw as hard and hurt themselves, I feel like.

Another thing I have no clue about is their signals. I hate to say it but wow, they look so dumb.

In a “League of their Own,” they always pulled an ear, whipped their head, patted their thigh, all in a way to communicate with the batter, or pitcher, or catcher or someone. I do not even know who.

But what in the world is all that goofy-looking stuff?

Why don’t they just tell them before they go out onto the field?

Another thing about baseball, something that I find wonderful, is that all baseball players seem to be so damn hot.

What is with that?

It is fabulous, and in those awesome white pants! Woo woo! Amazing.

With my understanding of baseball right now, it is stupid to me. However, I used to think football was stupid too, until I understood the game. Now that I am going to be writing about Mason baseball for the rest of my time here at Mason, I have decided to learn the game and get a damn hotdog.

Soon you will be thinking you’re reading the column of a former baseball player. These are all questions I really have wondered about since learning about baseball.

Throughout my writings I will answer these questions for others who, like me, aren’t quite the clean-up hitters when it comes to this sport.