The Carouser Report: The D.C. Horror Show

The yellow taxi is spiraling down Route 66, transporting us to safety. The lights of oncoming traffic are a blur and I am trying my best to remain coherent.

The driver and I are caught up in a conversation about his homeland, India. I am having a hard time remembering where specifically he hails from, and he is having a hard time understanding my slurred ramblings.

The only thing I can focus on is the ever-increasing fare. The numbers are rapidly reaching into the $60 range. I am frantic. I know there is no way I can afford the bill.

I am contemplating a high risk jump from the speeding van and taking my chances with the street.

Then it hits me like a kick in the groin: the big city, in all its attractiveness, has bested me. Now she is getting her last kick while watching me flee from her grip at 3:30 a.m.

As we cruise along, she is laughing as I squirm about in the cab, desperately trying to get out of a pickle.

The allure of Washington D.C. draws many to George Mason. Weekends in the big city are a commodity to many who seek the thrills of night life.

Unfortunately, partying it up in the city is best kept to those who know a thing or two about how the system works.

For those who are accustomed to the average college party, going downtown to drink can often become a daunting task.

The following are some friendly suggestions for avoiding a catastrophic night.

First, I know pre-gaming is our way of starting the night off right while saving some money. However, modesty goes a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen friends try to be pre-game heroes.

Then, en route to D.C., they transform into puke monsters and everyone is stuck battling torrents of vomit. Remember, you are going to a bar; they have more booze.

Next, have a plan and direction for the place you want to go. Don’t just hop on the metro and try to wing it.

Doing some research will give you some idea as to where the best bars are located. Once you’ve pinpointed a location, have a game plan.

The bar districts of D.C. are scattered and you will often have to take the metro or taxi to get from one bar to another.

Having a general layout of the night will allow you to navigate the city with ease.  No one wants to be part of that lost tribe of Drunkopia.

Taking cash with you is also a good idea. The mean city will literally leave you penniless. You will often think you had a great night, until you look at your bank account and notice the $300 void in your savings.

Plan a budget and stick to it. I recommend having around $80 with you. Gentlemen, this will also come in handy for all the cover charges you will inevitably have to pay.

Also important: consider what to wear. For the men, wearing something modestly classy is highly recommended.

Don’t dress as if you are making a trip to Home Depot. Getting refused entrance to a bar because you look like you just woke up is a buzz kill.

Ladies, I know you want to dress all fancy with the 4-inch heels, but don’t.

Your feet will look like a toad’s face by the end of the night. Also, you don’t want to end up walking around barefoot at the end of the night.

It’s likely you’ll step on some glass and contract gangrene. Having sexy legs Saturday night isn’t worth having a peg leg Sunday morning.

Lastly, and most importantly, know how you are getting home.

Check what time the last metro leaves D.C. Believe me, they won’t wait for you.  Having to take a taxi home is by far the most costly mistake you can make.

The taxi man won’t care that you spent all your money on kamikaze shooters and gigantic pizza slices.

Of course, as always, be safe. Washington, D.C. can be a delightful place to spend your weekend evenings.

However, with poor planning, you’ll be sitting on a curb come 4 a.m., praying for your bathroom toilet while asking the homeless man next to you where the best cardboard lodging is.