I know what you’re going to say. I’m bitter because the self-proclaimed king, otherwise known as LeBron James, left my Cleveland Cavaliers in a rather disgusting fashion this offseason.

And it’s true. I am bitter. I went from collecting the Sports Illustrated covers that featured James to seriously considering a LeBon Fire.

I am now the proud owner of multiple anti-LeBron T-shirts; my favorite of which has the outline of James with his arms spread wide and the words “Luck FeBron” written across the top. Because that is how I feel.

But I wouldn’t choose the guy for such a prestigious honor – October’s Dip of the Month – if he hadn’t done anything to deserve it. Lucky for me, he did.

I think we can all agree that the first few weeks of any season of professional sports are relatively meaningless. NBA basketball is the exact same way. Players spend the first several weeks trying to sell shoes instead of focusing their attention on winning basketball games.

Beginning the weekend before Halloween, James teamed up with Nike to produce what is quite possibly one of the worst commercials I have ever seen. In it, he addresses all the so-called haters and poses the question “What should I do?”

(Which, for the record, is a question that I have an answer to. It is just far too inappropriate to write down).

He makes satirical references to comments made by Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. And he comes across as an even bigger, more pompous scumbag than we could have ever imagined. He scoffs at the facts that his legacy has been forever tarnished.

He jokes that maybe he should have his “Chosen One” tattoo removed. And, worst of all, he actually thinks that an arrogant advertisement like that is going to sell his shoes.
Maybe in Miami. But certainly not in the rest of the U.S.

Then, the new-look Miami Heat made their much anticipated debut against the Boston Celtics on Tuesday, and James and company looked miserable. The team finished the first quarter with just nine points. Nine points. The franchise worst is seven and last season’s poorest performance resulted in eight points.

The Heat then continued their struggles, only notching 30 points in the first 24 minutes.

Just to put that into perspective, Miami didn’t score less than 32 points in a half last season – even when they played without Dwyane Wade.

Most teams in the league don’t score 30 points in a half, and they aren’t even equipped with three superstar caliber players. My hats off to the Heat for pulling that off.

And on top of all of that, James recorded eight turnovers in the game. He winded up picking up nine more on Wednesday, giving him 17 for the year. If the season ended today, James would have the highest turnover average in the NBA ever. Impressive.

Anyway, the trio went on to lose game number one to the Celtics. And, just for the record, my beloved Cavaliers turned around and put a whoopin’ on the Celtics just a night after all of this.

My roommate keeps telling me that, according to the transitive property: Heat < Celtics < Cavaliers. Most importantly, Cavs > Heat.
Just a little bit of food for thought.

Regardless, a combination of poor play and a distasteful commercial earns James this month’s Dip of the Month. And I’m only calling him a dip for the sake of keeping this column PG.