Distinguished readers and fellow fans of the district’s sports teams:

As set forth by the citizens in the most powerful city in the world, (insert name here) shall deliver to our fan base information regarding the state of our beloved sports franchises from time to time. For more than a century, this nation’s capital has played spectator to a rich history of sports franchises, venues, players and owners. It has witnessed three Super Bowls and one NBA Championship. And, most recently, it has sat by and watched the state of the district’s sports turn into a conglomeration of suck.

It is times such as these that test the courage of our convictions and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, we have chosen to move forward as one nation. And one people.

It is tempting to look back on the aforementioned moments of triumph and to accept the undeniable lack of success from our sports teams. Though I caution that may only be a diversionary tactic to prevent us from realizing the ineptness of the other franchises. Furthermore, you, members of the loyal burgundy and gold nation, deserve better.

Rest assured that the egotistical Daniel Snyder has turned the reigns over to a seasoned front office that is working diligently to return the Washington Redskins to a respected franchise. They will continue to sign blank checks for proven free agent talents, as long as they will agree to do the worm on the field in the middle of an embarrassing defeat at the hands of a division opponent. Or, at the very least, remain professional when the Shanahan regime pulls them in the fourth quarter because they lack the stamina to run a two-minute offense.

This year, the year 2011, marks the 20th anniversary of our team’s last NFC Championship. It marks the 20th anniversary of the last time the burgundy and gold nation saw their team as legitimate contenders in the NFL. And 2011 marks the year that the Washington Redskins can only dream about the success recently experienced by the Capitals.

After winning the Presidents’ Trophy in last season’s campaign, Alexander Ovechkin and his team felt their sphincters tighten for the third consecutive year in the playoffs. The current season is transpiring without the same success as last season but the Caps have overcome some early season struggles to produce the eighth best mark in the league.

Fear not, though, Capitals fans. There is a great chance that they will win a Stanley Cup before the Wizards are able to steal a road win. Neither seems likely to happen any time in the foreseeable future. Fortunately for the Wizards, Cleveland and Minnesota still have an NBA franchise – for now – saving Washington from being the worst franchise in basketball. Following their wretched performance last season, it became pertinent for general manager Ernie Grunfeld to trade away the team’s guns and reload its superstars. I mean, trade away its superstars and reload its guns.

The Washington Nationals have been in a rebuilding phase since their move from Montreal in 2005. They have significantly improved their future with the drafting of Stephen Strasburg, Drew Storen and, most recently, Bryce Harper.

But while they await the maturity of their youthful talent, they are making noise in the free agent market, signing outfielder Jayson Werth to an obnoxious $126 million contract. That noise, though, may prove worthwhile if Werth’s bat can deliver the same punch as a spear from his celebrity look-alike, current WWE heavyweight champion Edge.

This city – our nation’s capital and unarguably the most powerful city in the entire world – houses some of the most diverse franchises in all of sports. A toothless Russian captains our hockey team while a young man who isn’t even of legal age runs the floor for our NBA team.

All the while, an over-priced fat man and over-the-hill quarterback call the shots in Landover. As for the Nationals, both Strasburg and Harper are projected to make their debut together in 2012. Just in time for the world to end.